How to play:

1. Tell a joke.
1a. If possible, give credit for who came up with the joke.

2. Wait for someone else to tell a joke.

3. Repeat.

4. DON'T. BE. A BITCH. These are all jokes. If you cannot separate reality from jokes and you're worried you'll be offended, f*ck off right now and never come back.

I'll start us off.

Source: reddit

A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian. Nervous, he quietly asks her if she has a book about small penizes.

She says, "Sorry, sir. I don't think it's in yet."

He says, "Yeah, that's the one."

 

My family was poor when I was growing up. In fact, my parents were so short on money, I had to sell my US passport just so I could have enough money to get myself a bike. I sold my US passport on the street for $100. Of course, this was before 9/11, so... my bad, everybody.

 

Can we please not spread the political cancer to this thread?

 

A man walks into a hotel with his family. He walks up to the clerk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The clerk says, "it's just regular porn, you sick f*ck."

 

How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 9, because my basement is still dark.

 

From Reddit:
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.